Intense Parental Micromanaging

This school year has been tough at the Hoy House. All three Hoy kids are requiring an intense amount of parental micromanaging.  In related news, these are my 3 most frequently used bitmojis right now.

"Seriously?!?" is quite often mumbled under my breath too

Alyssa has become a full out teenager, albeit not quite yet 13, who is struggling to manage her responsibilities of school, her extracurriculars (swim, piano, and saxophone), and her blooming social life. My most frequent (& greatest) piece of parental wisdom to her of late- "The best way to get me out of your business is to take care of it."

Her phone now has parent controlled screen time limits,
which seem to help

Jackson's bare minimal effort on school work has finally caught up with him in 5th grade. At the parent/teacher conference, requested by the teachers-because he "needs improvement on effort", confirmed our greatest scholastic concern for him-- "bright but unmotivated".  My most frequent piece of parental wisdom to him of late- "The learning will happen. Before the grade, I am not involved. After the grade, I am."  I have been involved much too much this school year.

We are all more productive with a list

Then, there is Matthew. The school work coming home in the first 9 weeks was abysmal. After several meetings with his teachers and (at home) identifying the best learning practices that work for Matthew, he is making progress again- on his SPED goals and the 2nd grade curriculum. It requires a high level of accommodation and intervention. At home, 

• He has 2 sessions of tutoring with a reading specialist weekly. 
• Every morning, he listens to the weekly story that I record on his tablet.
• He completes his weekly math word problem(s) with the help of manipulatives (100s chart or base 10 magnets) and a parent supporting him to break down the steps (e.g. "what is in the ones column?").
• He reads his weekly reading book, retyped in huge font without pictures so he can concentrate to read it.
• He verbally responds to his reading homework questions while a parent transcribes his responses.  

This is after his 7 hours at school and 2 hours at the YMCA after school, and without the benefit of his ADHD meds. It is intense. I think I now know the 2nd grade standards almost as well as I know the objectives for the classes I teach at the high school.

The turkey ran 25 feet, 35 feet, and 46 feet

Last week, I felt like we had a breakthrough. Though I am glad we have a holiday break this week, I would have liked to have seen the upward trajectory continue before we took a week off. I am hopeful we will get in a (positive) groove after the Thanksgiving break, for a few weeks (before the Xmas craziness kicks in) anyway.

Rhythm of the School Year

I don't do summer well. I used to blame it on the kids-- that they needed the routine of the school year-- but really, it is me. Though I love our summer experiences, seeing family and friends, I need the routine.  I love what I do and miss it during the summer. I long for the rhythm of our school days. 

So when the first day of school comes, I hum "Its the most wonderful time of the year" to myself all day. For me, it really is. New beginnings & freshly sharpened pencils. 

Though, every year, I forget how long it takes to get into the rhythm. We are 4 weeks in, and we still haven't found the beat.  New classes, new expectations, new routines. We are still figuring it out here at the Hoy House. I know it will come, that we will one day find ourselves in the rhythm of the school year. Today is not that day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.  Hopefully soon.

Oh, that face

I recently read an article that asserts that facial expressions are inherited, not learned. I found this research fascinating, and giggled when I saw these facial expressions on Alyssa. I guess she comes by it honestly.

Progress

My students are well aware of my affinity for progress.  As are the Hoy kids. 

Reflecting on the progress of the Hoy kids this school year, I am mostly content. Alyssa was a mess the weekend before she started middle school, but from the first day on, she relished the opportunities it held.  Jackson matured as a student throughout the forth grade, taking my threat seriously.  ("The learning will happen. Before the grade, I am not involved.  If after the grade, I will be involved.")  Matthew, too, made progress this year.  His final report card had a few first grade standards met. Not all of them, not linear, not easy, but it is progress. 

I love progress!

The Youngest

Though I would like to pretend this isn't true, it totally is. Matthew gets away with far more than we ever let the bigs. Part of it is that Matthew has unique challenges that necessitate us doing things a bit differently with him, but the other part has to be us.  

A few examples of how he gets special consideration--

The book series Junie B. Jones was banned in our house starting when Alyssa was a kindergartner.  The main character, Junie B., is a bit naughty, and the grammar in the book makes me batty. We held that rule steady from 2011 until Valentine's Day 2018, when Junie B. came home in Matthew's backpack.  I've read Junie B. to him every night since. To allay my reservations, I correct the grammar when he isn't looking, which is most of the time.

During the week, screens are banned in the Hoy House. Very few exceptions. Until... Matthew lost 5 pounds in 3 months while on his ADHD medicine. The sweet paradox is that when he's on the meds, he's not hungry, and when he's not on the meds, he won't sit still long enough to eat. He needs those meds AND needs to gain weight, quickly. We need this boy to eat. To mindlessly eat. So, he gets to watch his screen in the morning, while we put as much food in front of him as we can before he catches on, or runs off.  

These are mild compared to our overall parenting style changes. We were 100% common sense parenting converts when the bigs were little. Following the approach outlined by Boys Town worked wonders for Aly and Jax.  But, very little about parenting Matthew is common sense, and we have found that the tools we used with the bigs have been rendered useless when dealing with Matthew. So, he seems to get special privilege (or consequences as it may be), but really we are just searching for the right tools- ones that work for Matthew.

This parenting gig is hard, and humbling.  Happy Mother's Day!

Four Favorites

These are my four favorite things this week:

1. I finally feel like writing again. It has been a long time. 
2. Spring has sprung-- yippee for baseball and bluebonnets! 

3. Though our kids are older, they still can't be left alone with my phone.

4. Connecting with family and friends, near and far, reminds me that, in addition to being unbelievably blessed, technology is an amazing thing.  

8 Years

I can't believe it has been 8 years!  

This boy loves-
baseball, both playing and watching
french fries
dogs, especially Rey
being read to at bedtime, right now he loves the Junie B. Jones series
time spent with family
pizza with friends on Friday nights
and school, especially his friends and p.e.

And we love him! 

Care About Rare

Today is World Rare Disease Day-- and though Matthew is alone in his diagnosis, he is far from alone being rare.  We are thankful for those that have paved the way before Matthew and we stand beside those that are walking the rare journey.  

Lucky Number 7

Seven.  Today, Matthew is his favorite number- 7.  

This boy is non-stop from sun up to sun down.  He is happy most of every day.  He thrives best in routine.  

He loves...
school
his scooter
puppies
throwing ball
his friends
our neighbors
Phineas & Ferb
french fries
bananas
and the color yellow.

Every day is still a good day for Matthew!  Happy birthday!

Celebrating

With the laundry list of the areas that Matthew needs to work on, we sometimes forget how far he has come. Reminding me to celebrate, last Saturday, I hollered "Where are you?". Matthew replied, in clear voice, "in my room". Walking into his room, I found he had taken off his pjs and put on his undies, his shorts and his shirt. Oh, planned obsolescence- my lifelong parenting goal! 

I need to take a minute and celebrate all the things this boy can do today, many of which we weren't sure he would.

He can...
tell me a joke.
put the cap on a marker.
write letters.
count.
dress himself.
run.
walk.
ride a bike with training wheels.
answer questions.
feed the dog.
brush his teeth.
get his snack.
decide on his clothes.
show me his favorite color.
sing a song.
dance.
wave hello.
whistle.
throw a ball.
climb on the counters.
help unload the dishwasher.
wipe down the table.
go potty by himself.
fall asleep on his own.
walk up and down stairs.
turn on the shower.
wash his body.
communicate his wants and needs.
make friends.
show joy.
eat with a fork or a spoon.
jump on one foot.
drink from a straw.
and so much more.

For this moment, I won't concentrate on the 100s of things he still needs to work on, but instead celebrate the 100s of things he can do.  

My little helper

What I Imagined

Looking around at the kids doing their thing-- reading, working on homework, playing school-- I can finally say that this is what I imagined life with kids to be like.  

Until this year, I often thought to myself "this is not at all what I expected".  Maybe it is because I don't remember when I was really little, and therefore my own memories (or lack thereof) clouded my expectations.  I do remember playing school, and doing homework, and reading.  Now feels familiar.  This is what I expected when I imagined my life with kids.  It only took 10, almost 11, years to see it. 

Hoy Homework Hour

Bright Spot

We often worry if Alyssa and Jackson are getting the raw end of the deal because we spend so much time and energy on Matthew. This becomes particularly worrisome when we hear or see either struggling. This last week, it was "would we have noticed Jackson is struggling in writing if we weren't paying so much attention to Matthew's struggles?"  Oh, parent guilt is real. What has always grounded me (and alleviated a little of my parent guilt) is the knowledge that we--Alyssa, Jackson, Darren, and I-- are better people for having Matthew in our lives and for seeing and helping him grow.  

A bright spot in the parent/teacher conference about Jackson was his homeroom teacher sharing how Jackson helped a classmate. Without divulging too much information, a classmate had a situation and Jackson saw it and helped him. I tear up thinking about the story, because this is the way that Jackson helps Matthew all the time. He may treat him like any little brother (as the almost daily arguing and pushing can attest), but Jackson is so helpful and kind when Matthew is in need. It does my heart good (and lessens my parenting guilt) that he does this out in the world too. What we sow at home is reaped in the world. 

Happy Halloween

As we begin planning for Halloween, every year I wonder if this will be the end of the Hoy kids dressing in theme.  I am happy to report that the tradition continued this year.  Happy Halloween! 

Halloween 2016- Batman, Robin, and the Joker

Halloween themes of our past--

2015- Harry Potter

2014- Harry Potter

2013- Jake and the Neverland Pirates

2012- Star Wars

2011- Star Wars

2010- Super Heroes

2009- Sesame Street (1st year to theme)

Compliment Sandwich

Oh how I love the feedback sandwich- compliment, 2-3 most important areas for improvement, followed by compliment.  This week I felt beat down as a parent because of imbalanced sandwiches.  Some were missing the bread all together.  Others had way too much meat. We all have areas of improvement and to hear an unprioritized laundry list is just too much.  Beat down.

My first reaction was wanting to crawl in a hole (adulting is hard!), then anger (come on!), then action (let's try to fix it all), and now (hopefully) calmer rational planning.  Of this laundry list of my kids' faults (ranging from Jackson's poorly written book summaries to Matthew's unwillingness to walk quietly in a line because he wants to say hi to everyone), we have to prioritize what is most important and what we need to do to improve. 

I guess a positive about this experience is that it is making me more sensitive to giving feedback in my classroom, to students and parents.  Only hearing the negative and/or too much negative beats us down.  I am recommitted to the compliment sandwich!

Upswing

I have to say that there were a few weeks that I contemplated blogging, but I just couldn't because I didn't want to be that reflective about what was going on around us.  Matthew's behavior was the worst it has ever been.  Usually he lets all the nastiness out at home, but this last stretch, we were getting negative reports from school and the Y as well. He was disagreeable about everything and he would hit/kick/bite when he didn't get his way. 

The saying that your household is only as happy as your most unhappy kid was true in our home-- the energy around the Hoy House was UGLY.  And the worst part for Darren and I, we had no idea why.  Just like many things with Matthew, it was a mystery.  We tried everything we could think of-- more sleep, more food, the common sense parenting tricks-- and nothing seemed to make a difference.  

Then, as mysteriously as it began, Matthew's mood turned.  He became his happy-go-lucky self.  Pleasant, fun to be around, and though not always agreeable, he could be persuaded. Those at school saw the same switch.  But just when we sighed in relief, he had a horrific weekend 2 weekends ago.  Then, the last two weeks at school, he was in an upswing, then mixed-- really good and really not.  We shake our heads because we have no idea why it was bad or why it is good.  No rhyme or reason, and we seemingly have no control or influence.  That is hard to accept!

Until we find the magic variable(s), we have to just be thankful for the good and try to mitigate the bad.  I am hoping for a long stretch in the upswing!  

Looking Close

"Don't look directly at the boy." --a phrase often uttered in our house.  When Matthew doesn't want to do something, he sometimes becomes defiant, but then often acquiesces.  He will often do what we had asked of him in time-- only if we don't look at him or say anything to him.  If we take notice, he goes back to being defiant.  

This pretty much sums up how I am reacting to his development (or lack thereof) these days.  I don't want to look too closely, or (a) it may stop OR (b) I may see something that might concern me.  I don't want to be too reflective.  Maybe that is why the blog has been quiet. 

This summer, we did take a closer look at a couple of areas--

*Matthew's gnat-like attention span.  To this point, I had chalked it up to him being developmentally delayed.  After taking a good look, and reviewing teacher and therapist notes, I suspected that it is more than that.  The neurologist agrees.  We put him on a supplement that is supposed to help, but so far, no luck.  We have a follow up appointment later this month to determine next steps.  The good part of this 'diagnosis', if there is a 'good', is that the neurologist believes that all academic based developmental testing to this point has most likely been inaccurate since Matthew won't sit and concentrate for any test (verbally or non-verbally measured).  My gut was telling me the same, but it is nice to get a corresponding medical opinion.  

*Matthew's articulation issues.  Matthew talks -- a lot.  But he's not always understood.  We took him for a palatal motion study (x-rays shot when he was speaking) to see if the articulation issues were physiological or not.  I don't even know all of what the study revealed at this point, but it appears that Matthew's tongue and palate have the capability of making the sounds necessary for articulation--which means it is not a structural issue.  Movement of the throat in and out, the secondary (or back up way) of producing articulation, is not something he is capable of doing.  It just means he must do it right with tongue, palate, and lips.  Recommendation was more time and therapy.

*Matthew's ear.  We have noticed discharge from Matthew's ear for several months, but upon inspection by the pediatrician, we were told it was ear wax.  During the follow up appointment with the entire clef palate team (though Matthew does not have a clef palate, these are the experts that deal with the facial structures and they were in charge of the palatal motion study), the ENT diagnosed Matthew with a persistent, chronic ear infection.  We have a follow up here in Austin to ensure the infection has gone away, and to investigate whether there is cyst behind Matthew's ear drum.  Again, not sure what this might mean.

*Facial structure.  Our awesome dentist and our fabulous craniofacial surgeon both agreed that though Matthew's jaw is still very recessed, it is not something to address for many years.  It is likely not the cause of his speech issues.

*Urology.  Through ultrasound investigation, Matthew's solitary, horse-shoe kidney is in good shape and growing and Matthew's urachal cyst is still present, but hasn't grown.  We may have a follow up with urology this fall.

*Academic skills.  Matthew had a tutor for 12 sessions this summer, and we saw great academic progress.  We are hopeful, that in repeating kinder and the fact that he is now more developmentally on par with his kindergarten peers, this year he blossoms.  

Working hard at tutoring

In related medical news, we are on a search for a new pediatrician because ours moved. I will forever miss our pediatrician from Houston, and will likely head to the practice he recommended here in Austin.  We also saw the optometrist this summer, and no glasses are necessary for any of the kids. 

I was hopeful that by stacking the appointments this summer, we could avoid most of them during the school year, but I didn't think about follow ups.  Hopefully the upcoming appointments are uneventful and Matthew has a long, healthy stretch.  

Workout

Though I wish he'd sleep until 6:00a, I do enjoy spending my early mornings working out with my little man.  He 'works out' and then spends the rest of time watching Gilmore Girls with me, where he thinks it is interactive tv.  If they have an umbrella on the show, he has to get his.  If the main character puts on her backpack, so does Matthew.  Though I am sometimes exasperated by the mess this creates, I love spending my morning with the boy.  

Just Like That

Summer ended and school began.  

Kinder, 3rd, and 5th

The week was a struggle as we transitioned, but I think it was successful as (for the first time in 3 years) none of the Hoy children cried on Friday evening!  Maybe it was because we were smarter than in years past and hung out at home eating frozen pizza and watching Phineas and Ferb, but I'd like to think it is because they are getting older and able to hold themselves together better. 

I celebrated the end of the first week of school (which was awesome) by going to bed about 20 seconds after the kids did.  We all need to work on our school stamina.  It is a 38 week marathon, not a one week sprint.  So, here's to 38 great weeks to come!  

Summer Fun

I thought for sure that life would slow down over the summer, but since summer is already more than half over, I guess not.  

Alyssa and Jackson enjoyed their time at camp, while Matthew relished being an only child.

This was the first day we were back together-- 24 days in to summer!

Then, we enjoyed spending time with family in Chicago and Michigan.  

A highlight of year-- a week with family in Michigan.

The kids are road trip rock stars-- most of the time!

We celebrated Jackson's 9th birthday when we returned.  

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I can't believe he's 9.  This year, he's become much more mature, but he still loves Legos, pranks, Star Wars, and Harry Potter.

In between, we have been fitting in as many appointments as possible...

Matthew has had appointments with urology to check on his solitary kidney (all is well) and with the neurologist (details tbd).

Dentist, orthodontist, dermatologist, oh my!

The kids have become extremely proficient at waiting.

...with a little fun thrown in here and there.  

Ice cream

S'moreos (S'mores made of Oreos- Yum!)

And lots of  reading and library books

Thinking about the 5+ weeks left of summer, I am hoping for a little more downtime, maybe even to hear "I'm bored".  We could use a little boredom -- it helps us get excited about going back to school.  

Start of Summer

We ran to the finish line at the end of the school year, and we kept running the first week of summer.

Alyssa has had a great time at camp.

This girl loves camp!

Darren and Matthew went for a visit on Sunday.

Matthew has transitioned back to daycare. 

He loves being back at "old school".

 

I watched my seniors graduate with tears in my eyes, took a deep breath and then spent 3 days closing up my classroom and planning for next school year.

I love pomp and circumstance!

Jackson scraped gum from the underneath of the desks and proclaimed that he would never chew gum at school.

Then, Jackson and I went to Space Camp.  I have dreamed of Space Camp since I was in 6th grade and it was everything I hoped it would be!  

Happy summer!