Joys and Challenges

Matthew's new school schedule, combined with the older kids' school schedule, has not allowed time for Matthew to nap on school days. The first week was rough, but the second week has been brutal.  Matthew is usually so happy and vibrant, but now he mixes that more frequently with unhappy and violent, with equal enthusiasm on both ends of the spectrum.  He throws things.  He hits.  He bites.  Sometimes with cause, sometimes with cause that we don't understand.  He doesn't do this at school, but he is doing it more and more at home.  I attribute it to his increasing deficit of sleep and his new routine-- at least I hope that is what it is.  This has not been a fun time in our house. 

As we've been experiencing this more and more this past week, and I've fallen further and further into despair, I've seen a couple of viral pieces relating to special needs parenting.  Some have spoken to me, others have missed their mark a bit.

There is this one.  I appreciate the sentiment, but this just doesn't feel right to me.  I wish it were true, but many moments, hours, and days I know this to not be true for me.

Very sweet story attached with this picture can be found here.

There is this one.  It is probably a little closer to how I feel, but as I parent all the kids but especially Matthew, I often feel much less than special.

Then, I read this.  It brought me to tears. 

The Special Mother
Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint, Cecilia" "Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

 
I am so very imperfect, and love the idea that maybe those imperfections were the perfect match for Matthew and Alyssa and Jackson too.  I don't have to be 'special', I just have to be the perfect fit for my kids. 

Hopefully I can be that this next week as we work to figure out how to (a) help Matthew get more sleep and (b) help Matthew handle his emotions better.   Until we figure it out, you may hear me say "joys and challenges" under my breath time and time again.  It is how I remind myself that with each phase come joys (Matthew says 'mama'!) and challenges (Don't hit the dog or your brother!).

School, So Far

The kids reply to 'How was the first week of school?':

But the first week of school did hit us like a ton of bricks.  We were anticipating it because we spent the weekend before school started in Los Angeles.  The 2 hour time difference, in addition to staying up to celebrate way too late and arriving back in town at bedtime Sunday night, made for a tough start to the school routine.

Well worth the rough start, in LA,
we celebrated adding Aunt Brandi to the family!

That first morning of school was rough, but that afternoon was much tougher.  At one time, all 3 kids were in time out.  The week continued on, and we struggled to get into a groove.  Good reports were coming from school, but all 3 kids were on edge and emotional at home.  There was a reverse correlation-- the youngest was the most emotional and on edge while the oldest was the least.  Most likely that is related to the amount of adjustment to the new environment-- Matthew's school life is much different than before while Alyssa's is pretty similar and Jackson's is somewhere in between. 

This past weekend of doing nothing seemed to help the start of this week.  Tuesday, we woke up a little easier, we got ready a little faster, and we seem a little less on edge.  Matthew had an issue this morning, but I attribute it to having therapy this morning and falling asleep in the car on the way to school.  I hope the day turned around quickly for him!  For his and his teachers' sake!  I am hopeful we are getting into the groove of our new school routine.

The No-Labor Weekend

This holiday weekend, we did a bunch of nothing and it was as fabulous as I thought it would be.  Pretty much since before Christmas last year, we have had a laundry list of to-dos every weekend.  First it was prepping for our Disney vacation, then prepping for Darren to move to Austin, then prepping to get the Houston house on the market, then prepping for the family to move to Austin, then prepping for our summer road trip, then unpacking the Austin house, then prepping for a quick trip to LA, and then prepping for school to start. 

This weekend-- we were moved in, no trips on the horizon, and school is in session-- life is 'back to normal' (whatever that means).  I even enjoyed the banter ("what do you want to do?" "I don't know. What do you want to do") that Darren and I often partake when we don't have a huge list of to-dos with an unstructured weekend on our hands.    

We had neighbors over for dinner.  We played with technology.  We shopped for Halloween costumes. We watched a movie.  We ate out.  We just did a bunch of nothing.  Totally delightful!

 

Jax watching Darren and Alyssa helping Matthew.

Matthew's Transition

Last week, we met with Matthew's ARD team (teachers, diagnostician, administrator, therapists) at his new school to transition him from his previous services to the new school services.  It was much more relaxed than the ARD meeting at the previous school.

On Monday, Matthew started at his new school.  I am excited to report that the transition was seamless! 

Matthew attends school 5 days a week for 4 hours a day.  He socializes with peers, works on his writing, plays, and is immersed in a good environment for speech development. 

Every day this week, Matthew walked into the class with no hesitation and never looked back. His teacher and the aides seem to adore him and report that he is following directions well and has integrated perfectly into the class. 

I have heard nothing but wonderful things about the 'early learning' program here and so far, our experience has been great.   

The one hiccup is that after that 4 hours, Matthew is wiped out. He is a complete nightmare at home until bedtime.  I hope we get into a better routine in the afternoon and he will adjust--soon.

Unkind

I know that kids are often unkind-- heck I see it in our house with the 3 kids-- and it can be for any reason at all.  I know this, but just because I know it, doesn't make it easier when someone is unkind to one of my kids.  I feel like I should add "especially Matthew" here.  I know kids are going to be unkind to him.  He is different. 

I saw kids being unkind to him this last Spring and thankfully Alyssa stood up for him and they stopped.  Unfortunately, it has happened twice more since we moved to Austin.  I don't know if it is indicative of the locale or the fact that Matthew is getting older and exposed to more people and potentially more teasing.  Either way, I hope that it doesn't keep happening at this accelerated rate.  My heart hurts when I hear or see it. 

The good news is that in the last incident (where kids were teasing him for not having thumbs!) not only did Alyssa stick up for Matthew but so did her new friend.  I am beyond grateful for that.  I wish we lived in a world without teasing, bullying and unkindness, but since we do, I am thankful that there are people willing to stand up against it. 

Where I found Matthew yesterday.

First Day of School

I love the start of a new school year!  This year is particularly exciting because all 3 kids will be in the public school system and in new schools.

Alyssa is excited about her 2nd grade year.  She is ready to learn and make some new friends. 

I wouldn't call Jackson excited, but he isn't dreading school, so I call that a win.  He was a champ walking into his kindergarten class this morning. 

Matthew was excited about school and went in like he owned the place even though he had never been there or met anyone yet. 

I have been enjoying the peace and quiet-- the first time since we've had kids that I haven't been working or had a child to care for-- and I am planning to have lunch out with my beloved and go to the grocery store without 3 kids in tow. 

Happy first day of school!

Planes

This made me giggle.

Wednesday morning, Matthew and Darren left for LA on a plane.

Wednesday afternoon, Alyssa, Jackson and I saw Planes. 

 

Coincidence? I think not!