Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Blue Funk

I have been in a bit of a blue funk lately.  I don't know if the below are causing the blue funk or if the blue funk is causing the below.  Chicken and egg issue.

This Spring, I signed up for a sprint triathlon (300 yards swim, 11 mile bike ride, 3 mile run) for the middle of August.  I did this because I am a fair weather runner.  I would prefer to run only when it is sunny and between 50-70 degrees outside.  I don't like running in the heat (summer in Texas=heat) and my next big goal is still months away. I figured I needed a stretch goal at the end of the summer to keep me motivated.  In June, I was motivated to train!  29 workouts in 30 days.  In July, not so much (about 1/2 of that).  Now, I'm only 2.5 weeks away and I'm still so not motivated.  I have no idea why.  If I don't get on it, August 12 is going to hurt.

Speaking of the summer, though we've had a lot of fun, I am ready for the summer to be over.  We've had a lot of togetherness.  Alyssa and Jackson bicker at least once a day.  Matthew leaves a wake of destruction wherever he goes, so our house looks crazy from wake up to bedtime. Although I only teach a few hours a week during the school year, I didn't realize how much I would miss teaching and the kids going to school.  We all do better with a rigid routine.  Jackson starts in 3 weeks, Alyssa and I in 4.5 weeks.  I am counting down.

Though I am counting down till school starts again, I haven't been very motivated to prepare for my upcoming Fall classes either.  One of my classes is undergoing a major overhaul, which is labor intensive. It is also the class most at risk of not making because of low enrollment.  I can't wait to see if it makes before I prepare because all the work in a shorter time frame will be nutso, but also I am not highly motivated to work on something if the effort will be wasted. 

Finally, I have been totally overwhelmed thinking about Matthew's future.  The saying is 'not seeing the forest for the trees', but looking out into the forest is what is giving me anxiety right now.  When I look at the one tree in front of me, when I see Matthew running around the house, I am so thankful for all the progress he has made. But when I look out into the forest, it is a scary and dark place. 

In about 6 months, Matthew will transition from ECI (early childhood intervention) to the school district/private care.  We have been so well cared for in ECI-- Matthew has a case worker, he's been receiving services since he was 4 weeks old, he gets all the services he needs, and they work to help him reach his full potential.  When Matthew transitions to the school district, they don't work on getting him to his full potential but to the basic ability to perform at the lowest level of passing in a school setting.  Helping Matthew reach his full potential will rest solely on our shoulders.  I will miss 'Team Matthew' and am nervous about all the change.

In addition to that upcoming transition, I have been fretting about Matthew's language acquisition.  There are so many implications if he doesn't talk-- where will he learn sign, how will he be treated as a person who hears but doesn't speak and only signs, how will the school district treat him, how will our family learn sign, and so on.  I am trying to figure out how to juggle learning sign with preparing for school with caring for the kids with taking care of the house and with life in general.

When I look out into the forest, I am nervous and scared. Thinking about and preparing for Matthew's future is overwhelming. 

My blue funk = lack of motivation and being overwhelmed = me being completely ineffectual (in reverse order, and then in a loop).  Though I am not quite sure how to break the cycle, I know that this too shall pass. 

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