I can't go to church right now. All the things I used to love about church (the quiet reflection, the time of prayer, the moving music, the beautiful memories) are all too much for me now. The last time I went to mass, I was a crazy mess. I have never cried as hard or as loud in public as I did during that mass. Thankfully it was a weekday mass and I only broke down in front of 50 people instead of 100s of people.
I feel guilty because I know church should give me comfort but instead it makes me hysterical. I just can't force myself to go, to confront those powerful emotions that I normally don't have time for. I've been embarrassed to say this outloud, hoping that no one notices my absence, but one of my dear friends has given me the courage to admit it. Her words of encouragement, combined with her own story, are helping me to not only admit that I just can't go right now but also to begin to let go of the guilt. Thank you, my dear friend.
A quick update on Matthew: Though he's still fussing when fed, he doesn't seem as sweaty. That seems like a positive sign! We are looking forward to our next cardio appointment (next week) and pray that there is still no change (or improvement). Other than the continuing frustrating feeds, he's in good spirits and sleeping well, especially now that we've found a bigger swaddle wrap.