Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Absence

I can't go to church right now.  All the things I used to love about church (the quiet reflection, the time of prayer, the moving music, the beautiful memories) are all too much for me now.  The last time I went to mass, I was a crazy mess.  I have never cried as hard or as loud in public as I did during that mass. Thankfully it was a weekday mass and I only broke down in front of 50 people instead of 100s of people. 

I feel guilty because I know church should give me comfort but instead it makes me hysterical.  I just can't force myself to go, to confront those powerful emotions that I normally don't have time for.  I've been embarrassed to say this outloud, hoping that no one notices my absence, but one of my dear friends has given me the courage to admit it.  Her words of encouragement, combined with her own story, are helping me to not only admit that I just can't go right now but also to begin to let go of the guilt.  Thank you, my dear friend. 

A quick update on Matthew:  Though he's still fussing when fed, he doesn't seem as sweaty.  That seems like a positive sign!  We are looking forward to our next cardio appointment (next week) and pray that there is still no change (or improvement).  Other than the continuing frustrating feeds, he's in good spirits and sleeping well, especially now that we've found a bigger swaddle wrap.  

1 comment:

  1. If you're searching for encouragement in times of suffering, our Pastor is going through a lot of sermons about that right now. I've probably shared with you that his 5 year old daughter has had cancer twice in the last year. His faith hasn't stumbled and has grown through the trials. God can use it ALL anything and turn it to good. He is good, and He loves you, your family and Matthew. If you're up for some messages in the comfort of your own home, where you're free to cry outloud, and be as weepy as you feel, you could check out http://realitymessages.com/. One in particular that might be great is Jul 18, 2010, Struck Down But Not Destroyed. Praying for you.