Optimistic and Not

What do Matthew and I do all day while at the hospital?  Pretty much what we'd do at home.  We eat, sleep, play with his toys, play peek-a-boo, sing songs, dance around the room, and cuddle.  While Mattie naps I catch up on the going-ons in the outside world through the internet (thank goodness for technology) and watch a few minutes of mindless tv. 

There are a few notable changes to our home routine though. We are in the confines of these 4 walls of room 1430 at TCH.  No fresh air.  Matthew only has the width of his crib to roll around.  I stare at him through the white bars of the crib.  We are visited (and often awoken) many times a day/night by nursing staff and doctors.  My primary job, besides general baby care, is to keep Matthew calm since the strider worsens when he's upset.  I watch his pulse oxygen and heart rate monitor. I listen intently to him breathe.  I pray...a lot.

Today I vacillate between thinking Matthew is on the road to recovery (and home) one moment and fearing we aren't in the next.  He gives me reason to be optimistic as his strider doesn't sound as severe.  In those moments, I'm hoping we'll be able to avoid the OR and go home tomorrow.  But he also gives me reason to not be so optimistic, like now when he is needing to work too hard to breathe while he is napping. I was hoping for nothing but steps forward that lead to home, but alas, we are on the roller coaster instead.  Not sure what this means for the day(s) ahead.